The Coldness in People's Hearts
by Reasonably Shady
Summary: It's cold outside, but Allison keeps walking. What happened on Monday is nothing she didn't expect, but that doesn't mean it's what she wished for. It's getting colder and colder, more and more snow is falling, and Allison doesn't move. But fortunately, somebody finds her. Rated for depression, maybe violence in later chapters. Allison/Bender
1. Chapter 1 - People's eyes

Hi :)

This is my first fanfiction, and English is not my mother tongue, so it is very likely that there are some mistakes...

I reeeeeeeeeally appreciate reviews. Sorry, it is a bit short, but it's kind of a prologue, so, yeah...

Please tell me if I should continue or write another oneshot. :)

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People's eyes

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The darkness of the alleyway seems to swallow Allison. Her eyes aren't glistening under her messy hair, her steps are hardly audible. She feels incredibly small and vulnerable.

The problem is: She understands, finally.

Giving Andy her trust, no, not only her trust, but herself, has been rewarded by something she experiences at home everyday: Disrepect, ignorance.

When she came to school on monday in her usual black hoody and skirt, looking up, expecting him to greet her and hug her or kiss her or something, he just knit his brows and laughed at her with his jock friends and vanished in the crowd.

Maybe, maybe he would have recognized her if she had dressed like Claire had shown her two days ago. But when she looked at herself in the mirror that morning, still suffering from the depressing thoughts of the night and a nightmare that had her parents replacing her with Claire in it, she couldn't bring herself to do it. To become like Claire.

It wasn't her. People don't change over night – not for the better, at least. Whatever that is.

So she grabbed her sweater and her skirt and dressed the way she always did. _It won't make a difference to Andy_, she told herself. _He knows how I am. He likes me for who I am. Not for my looks. I am the same Allison that I was in that detention._

Allison will never forget that look on Claire's face when she walked past her. It was not like Claire had wanted to talk to her or something, no – _You could have been so much_, her eyes seemed to say. _What did you do? I can't talk to you when you look all basketcase-like... Not in front of my friends._

So they are no friends. And Andy is not her boyfriend. She should have known it...

When she saw Brian, she didn't even make an effort to look him in the eyes. Enough rejection for one morning. And Brian seemed content talking to his nerd-friends anyway. He didn't look particularly disappointed.

_Everybody has friends_, Allison realizes. Andy has his jock-friends, Claire has her rich-and-stuck-up-girlfriends, Brian has his nerd-friends and Bender has his pot-smoking friends (she has seen them in the back of the schoolyard).

_Everybody has friends. Except me._

A tear rolls down her cheek. Her eyes are tired. Without any light. She is tired. She's had enough.

When she came home today, her mother sat at the kitchen table, doing whatever she was doing. She looked up from her work when she heard the noise of the door opening, and when she saw that it was her youngest daughter, her warm eyes became cold, her mouth a thin line. It happened very fast, like always, in a second she was focused on her work again, but for Allison, it felt like an eternity, the ice encircling the young girls weary heart.

And then the darkness was not only inside her, but also on the other side of her window, and it seemed to call out to her.

It is january, and the wind is pretty cold. Allison, however, feels the cold, but it is almost comforting, numbing her fingers and her legs and, at least a little bit, her thoughts. It starts to snow.

Allison finds herself walking through a park. Leafless trees, no peole at all, emptiness.

Slowly, Allison sits down, leaning against a tree. It feels nice. Her fingers are burning from the coldness, but she doesn't mind.

What Allison doesn't know is that there is somebody else out there in the middle of the night... Somebody who notices a little black bundle on the ground that doesn't move. It's freezing cold.


	2. Chapter 2 - Caring

Here I go again! :D

I finally found the time to write something again... finally... yeah... sorry... :D

Thanks for your review, Lebeau54. It motivated me a lot! :) You are my first reviewer ever! You are a LeBelle-fan, I guess? :D

Maybe this chapter didn't exactly turn out how you expected it. I hope you like it though! :)

Sorry for any mistakes! Make sure to review... It will motivate me a lot to go on writing - if that's what you want! :D

Chapter 2 - Caring

Allison's eyes snap open when something touches her shoulder. Something dark is above her-she can't see the moon. Her eyelids feel heavy, but she blinks, trying to find out what that thing is.

„Allison? Allison!" It's a strong voice, a one-of-a-kind voice, but her brain seems to be a bit frozen, and she isn't able to recognize it immediately.

So she squeals and presses herself against the tree, trying to get away from the stranger.

„Hey, it's me, basketcase! Hey, look at me!" The voice seems to be a bit concerned. Concerned about her?

„Who are you?" Allison croaked.

„You know, I think you've heard my voice once or twice before, I just called you 'basketcase', who do you think it is?"

„Bender...?"

„There you go! Come on, get up! What are you doing out in the cold at this time anyways?"

Allison tries to stand up, but her legs have gone dead and she falls heavily against Bender, who catches her and puts an arm around her waist to support her.

„How long exactly have you been sitting here...?" He sounds a bit annoyed, actually.

„For a while, I guess...", Allison whispers. „Who cares..."

She doesn't think he has heard the last part, but he answers: „I'm the one saying such things, remember? What's up with you?"

„Nothing."

„Sure. You know, I wouldn't ask you that if I knew the real answer was 'nothing'."

„It's... hard to explain. I don't know if you would understand."

Bender knits his brows. They walk in silence for a while.

„Where do you live?"

Allison points behind them.

„Don't want to go there, huh?"

They turns around and they walk in the opposite direction – in silence, again. Bender drapes his coat around Allisons shoulders. She doesn't make an attempt to put her arms through it, though.

„I'm invisible", Allison says so loud that it gives Bender a start.

„Normally I am. Nobody ever notices me."

„Well, I did... and if I didn't, you would probably be freezing to death under that tree right now."

„If noone ever notices me, it wouldn't make a difference to the others, would it?"

„It would make a difference to you!", he says. „I thought about it too, you know? But the others would have won then, right?" He laughs bitterly.

„When I said I'd seen you before. That's true. I've seen you on that bridge. You climbed onto the railing and stood there, staring down into the water like you'd been hypnotized by it. Somehow I knew you wouldn't do it. It didn't seem to be an Allison-like thing to do."

„Why not... Nobody would be surprised. People think I'm weird because I dress in black and hide behind my hair and don't talk to anyone. I guess I'm like... an outcast or something. It's always the outsiders who decide they've had enough."

„I don't think that's true. Some people hide their problems behind a facade, you know? So the others think they are okay."

„Like Claire, you mean?", Allison snorts. She removed Benders arm from her.

„Maybe. But... that's not my problem anymore. I thought, maybe there was more to her."

„She has been honest, at least. At least at the beginning. She told us we wouldn't be friends on monday."

„It didn't look like she would keep that promise at the end of the detention, though..."

„Life is a lot easier when you don't care about the others."

„It would be. Maybe. But, Allison... Seeing that you 'don't care about the others', and that was what I thought about you, too, originally, you are making a big deal about you not making a difference in the world because they don't care about you. Have you ever considered that, maybe, you have to care about someone so he or she cares about you, too?"

„You are right, I guess. But you also have to have someone care about you first, so you know what it means. You of all people should know better than anyone that it's not that simple, Bender.

That's my house. Thank you for walking me home, and for the coat." She hands it back to him. He slipps into it, trying to escape the coldness.

Allison opens the door and Bender catches a glimmer of her blue lips and pale eyes in the light before she closes the door again.

„I'm getting soft. What kind of conversation was that...?", he murmurs to himself.

He steps aside to look through the window. Allison walks past her mother, who is sitting at the kitchen table, working on something (in the middle of the night?) and looking up hopefully when she hears the steps. When she sees Allison, she gives her daughter an almost disgusted look and focuses on her typewriter again. Allison walks straight past her mum, eyes to the floor, and disappears in her room.

He doesn't really know why, but he hides behind a bush when a small car pulls up and a girl, perhaps a bit older than Allison, emerges from the passenger seat and walks into the house. A glance through the window shows her being greeted with a warm hug and a happy laugh by her mother. They sit down at the table and start talking, the typewriter seems to be completely forgotten.


	3. Chapter 3 - The Bridge

Allison plops down on her bed and throws her bag on the old rug in front of it.

She sits completely still, staring at the white wall without any emotion in her eyes.

The darkness envelopes her from the inside as well as from the outside.

Only a little bit of light is coming in through the window since the girl didn't bother to switch the lamp on.

On the other side of her door, she can hear her sister giggling about something with her mom.

Her thougths are racing, her front teeth nervously biting on her lip.

What, what in the world has she done to deserve this? Is she so ugly, so boring and obnoxious that it is simply not possible for anyone to love her?

There _has_ to be something wrong with her. Yes, maybe she has been a shy kid when she was younger, but happy nonetheless. It was a slow process, but eventually she would get more quiet and hide underneath black clothes and books since nobody talked to her or looked after her anyways.

Always deep in thought, people considered her strange and unsocial.

And after a while, she just wasn't used to being around anyone anymore and people, especially a lot of people around her and crowds in general would make her nervous and send her fleeing.

When the happy chattering from the living room gets too much for her to bear, she grabs her jacket, opens her door and walks straight past her reatives, knowing that they don't care.

Her sister raises her head and looks at her with a pityful smile, though.

It's not her fault that she's the favourite, Allison thinks. And she knows that her sister isn't always happy, too, she has problems of her own.

She doesn't look back as she leaves the house behind and disappears in the darkness again.

John Bender is not stupid.

It's just that his feelings and thoughts are not always on display for everybody.

And right now, he can't stop thinking about Allison.

About her beautiful eyes shamefully travelling downwards when she walked past her family.

About her huddled figure underneath that tree.

About her standing on the bridge, staring at the water.

She seems to be doing that a lot, staring downwards.

John tries to define the feelings she produces in him – it's not pity. She certainly wouldn't want to be pitied. Underneath the fog in her eyes he has seen the fire that is still burning deep inside of her.

Looking at the floor doesn't make you a weak person. A shitty family also doesn't.

John knows that from experience, although he sometimes thinks that maybe he isn't as strong as he likes to make himself believe in order to keep going.

Without realising it, he reaches the bridge where he saw Allison the first time.

He walks up to the spot where she had been standing and leans over the railing.

What has she been thinking here? What made her turn around again?

He has nothing more important to do, so he stays on the bridge, stares into the water while the snow keeps falling and some cars pass over the river behind him.

It's cold, but that's nothing he isn't used to.

When he finally decides to go somewhere a bit warmer, he sees a shadow on the opposite side of the road. A person, leaning over the railing just like he did.

John crosses the road only to realize that it's the girl he's been thinking about all the time.

„Allison", he says. She doesn't move.

Leaning forward, he can see her face but can't make out any emotion – she is staring blankly.

He looks at her with wide eyes. And pokes her in the cheek with his index finger.

She turns her head around slowly. Now she seems to be a bit angry, as if he's interrupted something very important.

„What are you doing outside again? You wanna freeze again? I ain't around to save you all the time, you know!"

„I took a jacket this time, so it's fine." She glances down into the water. „And I can take care of myself, you know."

„Yeah, that was the first thing I noticed when I found you under that tree."

She doesn't answer.

He tilts his head to the side a bit before furrowing his brow worriedly.

„Allison, what made you turn back that first time on the bridge?"

„Who says it was the first time? I simply wasn't strong enough."

Bender opens his mouth and closes it again.

Then he sees Allison struggling to keep her emotions hidden. She closes her eyes and breathes faster and heavier now.

John swallows and suddenly, his shoes seem to be very interesting.

„You know, I don't usually do this talking shit. But I don't think it makes you weak not to be able to kill yourself. You were not too weak, you were too strong."

Is he seriously giving someone a pep talk right now? How did she do this to him?

„I like your explanation", Allison whispers and smiles. Not a nice, devout smile, it's a mad smile, a fight smile.

Bender smiles too and it's a real smile, even though it's a sad one.

As they part and walk away in different directions as if on clue, Bender looks up to the sky and chuckles, a newfound spring in his steps.

* * *

**_God, I don't even know if anyone is reading this. It's been like a year and a half since I started this..._**

**_Wow, I'm nineteen now._**

**_But I just watched the DVD again. :3 And realised that there are not many fanfictions about Allison and Bender. Meh._**

**_Well, if anybody is reading this - is it too descriptive? What do you think? Do you want me to continue? Ideas are welcome too of course. :-)_**


	4. Chapter 4 - Staring Contest

The night seems to be endless.

But eventually, Allison's alarm goes off and she has to get up.

Another boring, ordinary, lonely day in that godforsaken hellhole they call school.

Allison fulfills all of the necessary tasks like a robot. Brushing teeth. Stuffing some food in her bag. Walking to Shermer High. Walking through the hallway, trying to ignore the people and the colours and the noises.

Sometimes it's fun to watch people, but most of the time they are like invaders in Allisons world.

As anticipated, nothing special happens. The hours go by slowly.

Allison walks past Andy and his friends and he avoids eye contact.

Allison walks past Claire and her friends and she turns away from Allison.

Allison walks past Brian and he looks at her for half a second before vividly engaging in a science discussion with his friends again.

Allison walks past a girl who sits in a corner on the floor and looks like an outsider and hopefully looks up at her. But Allison doesn't want to make contact with her and, well, keeps walking.

Allison thinks that she is fed up with people's shit as she reaches the school yard.

She spots John near the parking lot, but he is talking to his friends and she is annoyed and angry enough for her own liking. Now she is standing in the middle of the yard between countless little groups of chattering friends.

Chances are that she is looking quite lost.

Great.

Allison stares at the ground and kicks a small stone away in an attempt to at least appear occupied somehow... She shrinks a bit in the middle of the crowd. Allison is invisible again.

Thankfully, school is over in the afternoon.

And since nobody is specifically waiting for her at home, Allison starts wandering through the ice-covered streets and finds herself on the bridge again.

It's not such a nice place with all the cars and the wind, but the girl loves it to stare into the water.

Suddenly, two gloved hands appear next to her elbows on the railing.

Allison swallows, opens her eyes wide and tenses every single muscle in body.

The person who is attached to those hands doesn't move away.

This leaves no other choice for Allison than to turn around.

She does so in one fluid motion only to find herself nose to nose with an equally wide-eyed John Bender.

„You are here again", he says.

„You too", she says as cold as he did.

„Well, I happen to pass by this bridge almost every day."

„Me too."

Silence ensues. They keep staring at each other. John is still towering over Allison, he doesn't take his hands off of the railing.

John is not used to someone not averting their gaze after a few seconds.

„What. Is. Your. Fucking. Problem.", he says slowly.

„I. Don't. Know. What. You're. Talking. About", she answers, mocking his way of talking.

He knits his eyebrows and gives her an angry stare.

She chuckles.

John looks down and smiles. He leans back and lets go of the railing. Allison relaxes a bit.

„Don't you have some other place to be than this fucking bridge?"

„No.", Allison answers simply.

„I get that you don't wanna go home. But don't you have fellow basket cases or something like that?"

„No." She turns to look at the water again. „Just go hang with your friends, John."

There is a little bit of pain in her voice.

„Are we not friends?", he asks and puts his left hand on her right shoulder to get her to turn around again. She keeps staring at the ground.

„I would like that", she says.

„Do you wanna go somewhere warmer? My cousin owns a pub where I usually hang after school."

Allison shrugs and gives John a smile. It makes him smile, too.

John leads the way and they leave the bridge behind.

* * *

**_Thank you helinahandcart for your review! I wrote some more, see! ^^_**

**_Hey, all of you, I haven't decided where to take the story yet. Any special wishes, some scenario that you've been searching for in the Allison/Bender fanfic section?_**


	5. Chapter 5 - Allison

Hello precious fanfiction-readers!

I, uhm, may have realized too late that there was more of this fanfic on my account on the internet than on my laptop, so I started writing a different chapter 3 instead of 5. When I saw my mistake, I changed a few things in this chapter so that it's a proper chapter 5, but it doesn't fit in so smoothly because of that. My bad. It won't happen again.

I hope you like it though!

Thank you for your reviews, they are the reason I am back again – reviews are always a motivation! :-)

Here it is:

Chapter 5 – Allison's War

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*TRIGGER WARNING*

* * *

Their plans are destroyed by one of Bender's friends.

Bender and Allison have barely left the bridge when a car with a busted wheel pulls up right next to them.

"Hey, Bender!" the driver says. "My car doesn't feel well today. Some jackass thought it would be funny to torture it. Do you have time to help me fix it maybe or do you have…" he looked Allison up and down, "…obligations?"

Allison feels very uncomfortable. She doesn't know this guy. He wants Bender to help fix his car. She doesn't know Bender too well, too. She didn't even know he knew much about cars.

"I… I have to be home soon anyway." She turns on her heels and starts walking.

The guy in the car keeps talking to Bender, and he looks at him, then at Allison...

"See you...!" He shouts and gets into the car. John is disappointed, he likes Allison and wants to get to know her better, but Bender needs to help Carlos to fix his car and smoke and talk like always.

Surprisingly, Allison feels kind of fine when she arrives at school the next day.

John's words from another day seemingly don't want to leave her alone though. He seems to have so many friends. How does he do it?

He said, you have to care about someone first so they start caring about you. _Why can't I be "them" then? I mean, I don't care about people I don't know. So I would have to get to know them first, and if, if they were interesting, I would start caring, and then they would start caring about me. But would they? How do I make sure that the random person I approach for this is not only interesting enough for me to be able to care about them eventually and also know that they are going to like me enough to do the same? What if they reject me?_

_Can it be worth it to try to make a friend when it's like a needle in a haystack and I get ditched again and again before I find someone who fits and who likes me too?_

_This sounds horribly exhausting._

_Maybe I should stop thinking about this._

_I'll never find a real friend anyway._

_And I don't want Bender's charity. I don't know him very well yet. He's better off with his other friends._

_I'm just not good enough._

_I'll never make it in the real world._

_How am I ever going to get a job if I can't even make one stupid friend?_

The girl is staring at her desk like it's a window to Wonderland. Her teacher doesn't say anything about it, he is used to it. A bell is ringing somewhere in the distance.

Allison slowly wakes up from her thoughts, grabs her bag and shuffles out into the corridor.

Lunch break. Allison herself doesn't have any afternoon lessons today. She walks out the backdoor.

_I'll never find a real friend._

Along the parking lot.

_I'm not good enough._

_I'll never amount to anything._

Past some guys who are smoking away underneath a tree.

_I'll never find a real friend._

She lifts her head enough to recognize Bender among them with a cigarette – or is it a joint? – in his mouth.

He takes it out when he spots Allison, nods in her direction and smiles at her before turning to his companions again.

The girl smiles back for a split second. She keeps walking.

_Maybe John would be my friend. He said he is. Maybe he is already. I like him._

_But he already has so many friends. He doesn't need me. Noone does._

Her feet seem to be getting heavier and heavier with each step she makes up to her family's house. Anxiety rises steadily in her chest before she realizes that the door is locked and she's the only one home yet.

Allison shovels some leftover food right from the fridge into her mouth. The next stop and final destination is her room, where she throws her bag and coat onto the floor and herself face first onto the bed.

_Exhale. You did it. You did one more day._

She flips over to stare at the white ceiling.

_Wait. It's only two o'clock._

_Fuck._

She inhales sharply. Her thoughts start spinning out of control for real now.

Allison can feel the last bit of spirit leaving her eyes. Everything feels numb, feeling itself seems to stop, thinking doesn't.

_You fuck up everything. Why can't you be normal? Nobody loves you. You're stupid. You're naïve. You're not worth it. Waste of space. You could just as well not exist. Nothing makes a difference._

The empty shell that once held Allison in it gets up and rummages through a drawer the bedside table until it finds an old pocket knife. It walks into the bathroom and stops at the sink. There is no Allison in the mirror.

_That can't be me. Looks like a zombie._

_That's what you are now. Of course it's you. This is how everybody else sees you. Day for day. You'll never turn this around. The zombie is Allison now. Forever. This is me._

Allison is repulsed by herself. She doesn't want to be like this. Everything feels so unreal. Like a dream. _And you never wake up._

She sees how one of her hands opens the cabinet above the sink and picks up a razorblade.

_This is what helps in a situation like this, right? I heard people talk about this. At school. How people cut their skin to relieve psychological pain. People like me. If they do it, maybe it will help me too. Maybe I will feel again. I want feelings, not thoughts._

The look on Allison's face resembles determination. She brings the blade near her arm.

_This is a really sensitive part of my body though. I don't even want anyone to touch me there. Not that anybody would want to._

Both of her arms start shaking at the thought of how it would feel to cut her skin there, how painful it would be, how ugly the cut would be.

_Nobody cares about this. You can do whatever you like. You can do it all right._

_"__It would make a difference to you!"_

Suddenly John's voice is ringing in Allison's ears.

_"__It makes a difference to you! You can do whatever you like. You can just leave it. They don't care about this, but it makes a difference to you."_

She puts the razorblade back, closes the cabinet, walks back into her room, closes the door, sits on the edge of her bed and just breathes. In and out. In and out. She feels light-headed, as if her brain didn't get enough oxygen before and now some of the thoughts are gone and there is finally room for air.

"It makes a difference to you."

Now it is her own voice saying it.


End file.
